He Can’t Commit

Ladies, I’m about to tell you a story that I hope most of you can relate to, and if not, then learn from these words girl!

There was once a guy that I was in absolute infatuation with, heck, I thought I loved him! We had a brief intense historical encounter and during that time, he was in actual fact a rebound who actually made me feel a bit sick. We started our relationship after bumping into each other at a mutual friend’s birthday party. I had convinced myself that there must be a reason that for some reason out of all my exes, I kept on bumping into him. We began talking regularly via text message, which I kept to myself as there was no need to share such information. We met up a couple of times and one day in particular we spoke about our university experience. That was refreshing. I had finally been given the gift of closure, and closed is where I should have left it. But there was pressure to find a husband. Better the devil you know right? Better no devil at all actually!

As the ‘relationship’ moved on, he told me that he did not believe in love and that he did not see the point of relationships. This was my que to run away! But being the curious creature that I am, chose to stick around anyway. It may sound obvious, but if a guy tells you that he is not ready to commit, he is lying. It isn’t that he is not ready; he just does not want to commit to you! He does not like you enough to see you in his future. I know this sounds obvious and you are probably reading this thinking, well ‘duh!’ but when you’re in the thick of the situation, it doesn’t seem so clear cut.

My experience has led me to see that it isn’t as black and white as it may seem. He is not interested in you for the future but that does not stop him from pursuing you in this moment. His actions may give you a glimmer of hope that perhaps when he has settled down, got his business up and running or whatever he claimed is keeping him away from you settles down; you will be the first point of call. LIES! I was once told by one of my very good friends that you should literally run away when a guy tells you he is not ready. Me and my foolish belief in the Rom-com system stayed for a year and a half, waiting. I saw signs that were not actual signs and when I confronted him about what it looked like to others, he would brush it off and say that they should mind their own business! He had an answer for everything, which kept me holding on, sometimes patiently, sometimes impatiently, for this guy to take it to the next level. And he did. With another woman.

In hindsight, I am extremely happy that it was not with me, as looking back at our relationship, there were many fragments that were simply damaged, partly because of our past (even though we both had received closure in the beginning, sometimes the best way to move forward is to walk away from each other completely) but also because of the type of guy he is. We were simply incompatible. It has taken me a lot to admit to that, as I love to win, and everything I want; I must get. But relationships don’t work that way. The relationship was a strain, hard work and quite miserable, but I had convinced myself that the saying ‘nothing worth having comes easy’ applied in this context. We made each other happy and unhappy at the same time; imagine a long-term relationship of that! No thanks!

I am all about writing honestly, so I will not sit here and type about how much of a jerk he may or may not have been, but rather talk about myself. I carried a lot of hurt into this relationship from him previously and from the guy I had dated three years or so before this second attempt (I had been completely single during that period). I acted in ways that I wouldn’t normally act in, and at times I felt as though he brought out the worst in me. Not a good look for a healthy relationship. It did bring to surface the many issues I have to deal with as a new age Catholic woman; and I have been doing so.

I guess the moral of the story is to most definitely run when a guy tells you he cannot commit right now, that does not necessarily mean cut him off completely, but sometimes walking away is the best option for the both of you. If you are not already too emotionally involved, keeping him around could be a good thing; you could become really good friends (like my seminarian ex and I – a story for another time). Emotions and feelings are not everything, just because you like a guy, doesn’t mean you need to see where the relationship can go. It might be a single ride to heartache, and unless you have the stamina to deal with that, why put yourself purposefully through the trauma? There are always lessons to be learned from every relationship, make sure you keep your eyes and your heart open, as you never know what God is trying to teach you about yourself or about others.

Peace

Cee x